I don't even know where to begin besides by saying I am beautiful!
The above statement might be obvious for some, but for me, it's something I've struggled with for a long time. A very long time. I get nervous if the scale says 132 and begin freaking out when it hits 135 or above. My goal has been 115 for a while, but I can't ever seem to get there and that's when I start mentally or physically beating myself up. Some people are well-intentioned and might be able to get me to eat a big meal when I don't feel like it by talking to me about how little I eat, but it always makes me feel worse inside because I can't handle the stress of people commenting on my eating at all, even if it's funny at the time. I'll just overthink it inwardly or at a later time.
I look in the mirror and see myself as pretty, but then I begin to point out my flaws. People say I look really young, but why can't I see that? Why do I look so old and worn out to myself, but not to others? Sometimes I can look ok, and occasionally pretty when I put makeup on correctly, but even then...
Well, I don't think I can just end with that because after today I believe things are going to be way different! Here's my journal entry from 10:43 p.m.;
" I asked God to help me see myself how He sees me when I look in the mirror, and now it just seems like I only picture God holding my face in His hands when He made me and Him molding me perfectly. I picture Him looking at me with such adoration and just seeing how much He thinks of me by the look in His eyes and on His face. I'm beautiful to Him and He created me beautifully!
I just keep thinking over and over again of my face in His hands. Tonight that's all I see when I look in the mirror and it's beautiful! I am beautiful!
Each stage of life He's not only molding my spirit but holding my face in His hands and molding it into what's unique and beautiful to Him!"
I am smiling for real now! My smile is beautiful to Him and now it's even beautiful to me! I think of other's now and can just see God looking at them the same way. He created my daughter and is holding her face in His hands too. My God is awesome! He is the Creator of creators and the only maker of true beauty! :)
How do I know God is real? Because He's the only One that could even change my mindset in this area. I've read, talked to people, and thought about it so many times trying to change, but only my Father could truly make me feel beautiful! He's looking at me smiling right now, I'm sure! My God loves me and I'm falling in love with Him more and more every moment. His mercy and grace are so overwhelming at times, as they should be!
I've never longed for the day when I can actually feel His hands holding my face, and telling me how beautiful I am to Him, so much. I'm ready to see Him and give Him a big hug!
I just can't get over this and really hope I don't!
Read Psalm 139 - KJV